Hmm...right, we got transcripts today. And basically, I suck. I tried not to let it bother me. My GPA's all fucked up from last year. I had explanations for it. And I have (or will have) good recommendations. And good SAT scores. And a good essay (I hope, Mrs. Petrallia agreed to help me). And I tried to keep a positive attitude throughout the meeting. I did a pretty good job of not getting stressed out or upset.

Although I won't say it wasn't murder sitting and listening to people all around me talk about how dumb they are because they have a 3.6 GPA. Shut the fuck up, please. That's like when this girl I knew started crying because she got a B- in one class and A's in all the rest. She wouldn't shut up about how horrible the goddamn B- was and all I could say was, "Would you look at my report card? It's not all A's. Does this make me dumb? It's not a big deal, calm down." but it didn't really do much. So this morning I just sat there and smiled politely while they all said how stupid they were and how they'd never get into college and blah blah blah. I didn't show anyone my transcript. I didn't tell anyone my GPA. And I'm not going to, just to save me from pitying looks or obnoxious questions. Honestly, it's not even THAT bad. It's decent and it can go right back to good pretty soon.

How much will grades really matter ten years from now? Seriously. Who's gonna care if you got an A in US 2?

And if I want to get through this year with my sanity intact, I'll remember that.

Do you ever have a day when you feel smart and cool and funny and outgoing and everything seems right and you get good grades on all of your assignments and your clothes are perfect and your hair is perfect and all your friends are around and everything seems great and all of a sudden you think...

This doesn't feel like me.

Today was one of those days. And now I feel very weird and like everything is standing still. The day went by too quickly and I feel like I missed everything because I was too busy being this outgoing person who I'm not.

I'm not making any sense. And I must sound like a lunatic. But I felt like saying it.

Mom: Robin, can you come downstairs for a minute?
Me: What's up?
Mom: Torecelli is leaving the senate race. That means we might have a republican by default, and if they win this and some more stuff that means the republicans might be in control of the senate!
Me: ....and?
Mom: It's not good!
Me: ....Oh.....Can I go back upstairs now?

We are a generation of apathy. No, wait, we're not a generation of apathy. I'M a generation of apathy.

My boss is this intensely weird person.

First of all, she winks a lot. For no reason. I walk past her and she winks at me. I put the milk away and she winks at me. I ask her the price of sugar-less (aka crap) candy and she winks at me. It's really kind of frightening. She winks at the ushers a lot, and the people selling raffle tickets. It's just eerie.

She sweats a lot, too. It's really gross. And she walks around barefoot which probably violates more health codes than I'd like to think about. She also tries to flirt with the only guy left working at the concessions stand which is sooo perverse because he's in his twenties and she can't be less than 55.

She's also extrodinarily nosy. Always wants to know everything that everyone is talking about and doing. At first I thought she was doing it because she cared about us and wanted to make sure we were okay and wanted to be some sort of parental figure (although it'd be more like a grandparental figure in her case...ha!). Then I thought maybe it made her feel young and cool to gossip with all the teens and college kids. Then I realized she just wants to know everyone's business all the time.

This afternoon the cast guy who always talks to me came over and said hello and chatted a little and it made me feel cool, 'cause hey, cast guy talking to me. After he leaves, my boss who is all the way across the lobby at the bar starts yelling to me, "He likes you. The little short one who always talks to you. You're his favorite." Um..okay. Whatever. I smile and nod (the universal reaction when you don't know what to say or can only think of a smart ass response) and go back to work.

Tonight at the second show I was pouring coffee for a customer. All of a sudden my boss comes over and pokes me in the back. After recovering from almost spilling coffee all over myself, I look over to my boss who is smirking and winking. "Robin, your friend is here," she says. Wink. More smirking. I give her a strange look and walk away to give the customer his coffee. The cast guy comes up and asks me for some soda. He tells me how the hot dogs we were selling outside are really good and asks me if I changed my hair (at least SOMEONE noticed). Then his friend comes up and tells him he's not supposed to be eating before the show and they go off and get ready for the show. My boss has been standing next to me, hiding behind a rack of ritz crackers and watching us the whole time the cast guy and I were talking. She smirks at me.

Me: What? That's so embarassing, it's not like I have a crush on him or anything. He's just a guy who talks to me.
Her: I didn't say you had a crush on him.
She smirks some more.
Her: But I think he has a crush on you.
I make it a point not to mention the fact that there has never been a straight male cast member of any show I've worked at EVER. And the fact that I think I saw him flirting with another male cast member earlier.
Me: He's like 27 or something. That's sick.
Her: No, I don't think so, I think he's very young.

Okay. Fine. But I'm still a minor. And that's still disgusting. And ugh, I hope she doesn't do that every time the cast guy talks to me. He's a nice guy and he tells me about theater stuff, I'd really like it if I didn't have to start avoiding him just so my boss won't wink at me so much.

And she really needs to do something about that winking thing. People are going to think she has a nervous tick.

I'm lonely. And kind of hungry. And I have to go back to work in an hour and a half and be lonely there.

I swear I'll write something real when something worth writing about happens.

I really like my new haircut.

I played the Tenacious D song for my 12 year old neighbor and he thought it was Dave Matthews Band at first. Then he decided it was really really cool and made me play it over and over.

Crazy kids today.

And also: Miles is a whore.

Last night I simultaneously downloaded "When Somebody Loved Me" by Sarah MacLachlan, "The Game of Love" by Santana and Michelle Branch, and "Tribute" by Tenacious D. My eccentricness astounds me sometimes.

Woke up early and got a sexy new haircut. Except it's not so much sexy as it is short. Well, not really short. Shortish. But short in comparison to what it was before. Whatever, for now we'll call it sexy. We'll see what the response is at school on Monday. Then we'll call it what it really is...I'm thinking something along the lines of "You cut your hair?". Not very exciting, is it?

It's much too early to be awake.

In health today Ms. Martinez handed out this worksheet. It was a survey to see if you're an alcoholic. She expected us all to think carefully and fill it out.

Isn't it sad when it's just assumed that a class of 30 high school seniors is in immediate danger of alcoholism?

Sad...but kinda funny.

I'm sleepy.

Oh look, it's my half birthday.

Or it was.

Does this mean that people have to sing half the "Happy Birthday" song to me?

Went to work and saw my favorite cast guy again who I'm sure can't remember my name, but who cares? He's so nice and keeps telling me to go watch the show again.

Getting my hair cut tomorrow. FINALLY.

Ugh, I'm boring today.

MOTHERFUCKER I JUST HIT A CAR.

But it's okay. I was pulling into a parking space in the lot of the deli up the block and knocked a guys bumper. It was okay and nothing was damaged, but the guy who owned the car was right there and it was really embarassing. Actually, it looked like he thought it was pretty funny. And of course I went all teeny-bopper girl going "Ohmygosh I'm so so SO sorry" blah blah blah, but he said it was okay and didn't even take my license number or insurance crap or anything 'cause nothing was broken. THANK GOD. I do not want to deal with insurance crap and what my parents will do to me if I break the car or anyone else's car. My parents don't forget ANYTHING that I've ever done wrong, so it wouldn't be the punishment that was so bad as much as the constant mentions of it from now on.

I'm so embarassed.

Mrs. Tennenbaum is my favorite person EVER today. Yes, I know saying that someone is your favorite person ever today makes absolutely no sense, but you'll just have to deal.

Went to see her about colleges and told her how it felt like EVERYONE is applying places already and I'm so far behind and I was really counting on being able to wait for the first marking period to end so colleges could see improvement in my grades and blah blah blah. Basically she told me to calm down, I could wait till mid/late October and she'd send them my unofficial first marking period grades. She also said I had the grades and SAT scores to get in places and gave me lots of forms and packets and other stuff. Plus she was just really nice and helpful and I really needed someone who knew what they were talking about to tell me it'd be okay.

That was about the only semi-interesting thing that happened today.

I wish I could write something funny.

Sounds of gratuitous vomiting on The Sopranos coming from the other room.

I will never understand how TV or movies or anything can possibly benefit from showing people throwing up. Sure there's the shock factor, but after seeing that it makes me slightly afraid to watch the show again. What if I had been eating? Ick.

Don't you just hate when you're thinking of something funny to say to someone and you know if you actually say it to them they'll just look at you like "Wtf? Time for therapy!"

Yeah..uh...or maybe that's just me....

Today was nothing extrodinary. I wore a weird shirt to school and had sleeve issues. And the only reason I'm saying is that is 'cause I'm still wearing it and still having sleeve issues.

I need to get more sleep, I was sleepwalking through most of school today. I played badly in orchestra (what else is new lately?), took really bad notes in math and bio and spent most of both periods staring at the clock and counting down the minutes left. Lunch was lots of fun and sort of woke me up, but that was followed by psychology which put me right back to sleep. Had to finish reading two chapters of The Grapes of Wrath in study which literally did put me to sleep, I woke up ten minutes before the period ended. It's a good book, but something you can't read without caffeine somewhere nearby. Finally had English which is okay, except Mrs. Petrallia is all quiet and calm and everything which just made me sleepier.

So yeah, I need some sleep.

And this shirt is really starting to piss me off. No more floppy sleeves for me.

So I've been completely stressed out for at least an hour and a half now and things keep happening that make it worse. This isn't good. :-\

Oh man, I NEED to stop making friends with assholes.

So if I said to you, "I haven't started college applications yet," do you think it would be appropriate to then go on a long giant rant about how important it is to do it now otherwise it's nearly impossible to get in and just not shut up about it?

Excuse me, I have to drive to Pennsylvania and smack someone.

Lately I find it much harder to put my thoughts into words.

More work things:

I love the cast of Miss Saigon. They're so nice. Two of the guys in the cast came to the concessions stand and were so grateful for free drinks. The big thing was that THEY ASKED US WHAT OUR NAMES WERE. No one asks concessions people what their names are. There are people I've seen every time I go to work for almost six months and they still don't know what my name is. They just come over and sometimes harass us and get their free drinks and discount candy and leave. It's pathetic, but having the cast actually caring who we were made me so happy.

Beware: This is fairly confusing.

I believe there is a little part of my fathers brain that is unique only to him. This little part is a little button labeled "repeat" and goes on every time he tries to tell me something, such as I need to have a list of colleges soon. Why do I need a list of colleges? Lord only knows. My parents have this warped mindset that I must visit every single college on the east coast and I can't apply to a school unless I've seen the campus and taken a long boring tour.

Today he tells me that I'm supposed to have my list of colleges by today. Apparently we agreed on this two weeks ago and I completely forgot, so when he comes and makes this random demand of me, I get a little frustrated that no one reminded me. He says I snap at them when they remind me. Yes, I've been known to do that, but only because they do it at the worst possible times, like when I'm in the middle of doing a long, tedious math assignment. But then he starts saying how important it is and how it needs to get done and I say I've been busy since it's the first two weeks of school and I've spent a lot of time either working or doing homework. I tell him I need to talk to Mrs. Tennenbaum and that I have to make an appointment with her. He says that I need to make sure to make an appointment with her (here's where the "repeat" kicks in). I say I will, but it's not completely up to me, it also depends on her schedule. He again tells me that I need to make an appointment with her. Then he tells me how important it is that I make this list (again). Then he says I need to give him a specific date when I'll be able to tell him a specific date when the list will be done. No I did not make a typo there. He actually said that, but it was something like "I need a timetable for the timetable" (his logic confuses me. If I just said I can't give him a time table right this second for one thing, what makes him think I'll be able to give him a time table right this second for something else?). My father, the broken record. I tell him I'll get it done. He then repeats himself six more times and gets angry about my getting frustrated at him and telling him I get it and that he doesn't have to keep giving me a lecture when I just said I got it five times in a row.

My dad's famous for this. He doesn't listen, just keeps repeating himself and repeating himself long after you've given him an answer and by the time he stops, you really feel like throwing really heavy things at him.

Ow, my brain.

Ow. I hurt all over.

But I made $15.00 today. And some guy gave us $38.00 in tips. Don't know why. He kept putting a dollar under a pen and saying the longer we left the dollar and the pen there, he'd keep coming over and putting more money under it. So we did and got $38.00 all together. Now that I think about it, all of the pens were from some car company in Brooklyn...maybe he was trying to advertise or something? Weird. But who cares, we got money.

What are those obnoxious little bugs that make those clicking noises all the time called?

They're annoying the hell out of me....

Oh yeah, I talked to Mr. May yesterday. He's much less of an asshole when it's not 8 in the morning. Not that it being 8 in the morning gives him the right to be an asshole, but it's nice to know he's not like that all the time. I told him about not being able to practice the weekend before and being extremely nervous because no one knew we would have to play in front of everyone. I also was honest and told him I was really pissed off about being put as a second violin and that I really didn't want to spend my last year playing second violin when I know I can play first. He said he understood and he's going to do something about seating and I'd get a chance to either challenge or he'd be re-testing the whole orchestra.

And now I'm tired and it's only 10 and I just realized I have to write a Psychology essay for Monday. Oh well, I'll write it at work tomorrow.

DAMNIT. Every time I need to talk to someone THEY'RE NOT THERE. WTF?!

Sometimes I truly am an idiot.

Went out to lunch today with Anna, Philippe, Dan, and Erika. We started talking about colleges and someone asked me "Where are you applying?"....and that completely freaked me out. Here's the thing. I have no idea where I'm applying. I know I'm applying to Pittsburgh, probably Ohio...but that's about it so far. I feel so behind. People are already applying places and I don't even know where I want to go. There's also that I never feel like I'm good enough to get in anywhere. I always think my grades suck, even when they don't. When I was a freshman I got a 3.2 GPA and thought it was really bad. I thought all my grades were awful even when they weren't, mostly because my parents would constantly make a big deal out of them and how I had to do better or I'd never get into college (they would tell me this regardless of how good my grades actually were...they once flipped out over a B- in social studies). Huh, I wonder where this whole not feeling good enough thing stems from? And all my negativity? (which I hate, by the way, I truly wish I could be a more optimistic person) I hope I never do that to my kids. I hope I'll at least have a little faith in them. My parents say they have faith in me and are proud of me and believe I can do well, but they certainly don't act like it. I know they're working on it and that they probably really are proud of me, and I hate to say it, but a lot of damage has already been done.

I was at work tonight and had the horrible revelation that NO ONE THERE WATCHES THE SIMPSONS. Truly disappointing. I was trying to say how walking (walking around with the big heavy tray full of candy and water...I've explained this before) made me feel like Moe when he opened a family resturant and was dancing around with a bowl of french fries on his head. Only one person knew what I was talking about and that's 'cause they watch it once in awhile. How very sad. It's so much easier to explain things when you can relate them to the Simpsons.

I'm bored. People need to get online and talk to me instead of being out and having lives. I got two calls on my cell phone at work, but they were both from phone numbers I've never seen so they were probably just wrong numbers. How depressing.

My cat is curled up on the floor of my parents room looking forlorn. I didn't think it was possible for a cat to look forlorn, but there she is. You learn something new everyday.

Cursing is fun.

So guess who's stuck playing second violin for the FOURTH FUCKING YEAR IN A ROW?!!?!?!

I will not be bitter. I refuse to be bitter. It's not worth it to be bitter over......

Fuck that, I am SOOOO fucking bitter. First of all, the audition was unfair. I hadn't been able to practice that weekend because of Yom Kippur AND not to mention the fact that no one knew the audition was going to be in front of EVERYONE. That made me so nervous I could hardly play, my hands were shaking so badly. Visibly shaking, Ray saw them and he was sitting across the room.

Fuck him. What an asshole. And not just because he gave me a bad seat....well, yeah, that's part of it, but he truly is an asshole. And there are so many people sitting in first who don't give a fuck at all about the class, they're just there for the credits. So FUCK HIM THAT ASSHOLE.

Plus I'm sick so now I'm extra pissed. I'm going to talk to him about it tomorrow when I get back to school. I'll be much calmer and explain rationally to him why I don't deserve to be a second violin (and I haven't even said anything about the fact that I have seniority...you know...being a goddamn SENIOR). I'm sure he'll just tell me to wait until the next seating test. I really felt like quitting this morning. That's the only time I have ever SERIOUSLY considered quitting orchestra. But quitting just for that would be really petty and I know I'd regret it later. But if he's an asshole to me when I go talk to him......I don't know what I'll do, but it's not going to be my usual "sit there and take it" attitude anymore.

What bullshit.

I don't feel well and my dad's yelling. I think I need a day off.

I feel like writing something funny but I'm so uninspired. And sleepy. I think it's mostly sleepy.

Seven people visited my blog today?! Where are you people coming from?!

Oh yeah, and I still need a new title for this. I hate the one I have now. If anyone has any suggestions (and I mean REAL suggestions besides "Robin smells", despite how amusing Kait finds that one), lemme know. That's assuming anyone actually reads this.

I can't find my Norah Jones CD! This is frustrating....

For someone who loves music so much I treat my CD's very badly. I used to have them all in a nice little case with the little booklets. Then I ran out of space in that, and it was already so full of CD's and booklets that it wouldn't close anyway. Now I keep forgetting to put things back in their cases, or putting them in the wrong cases, or losing the cases altogether. And now I'm losing CD's. I'm a horrible person.

And I still haven't answered my Bio questions. Bad Robin. Bad and stupid 'cause it's only three questions. Oh well, it'll get done.

Today was boring. Mr. May made some girl cry in Orchestra just because she didn't want to play by herself in front of the entire class. Then he kicked her out and said she couldn't use a school instrument anymore. Jerk. Trust me, I have plenty of other names for him but if I wrote them all out I'd never get anything else done.

Also had another Jersey driver incident, but it was kinda boring so it's not really worth telling.

And I got my parking permit for the student lot. Yay!

Gotta do homework. Can't think of anything else to say. Complete sentences failing me.

Bye.

Yay food!

Temple wasn't so bad. I always think it's going to be worse than it actually is.

We came home in the middle while they had little kid services and stuff, then my parents went back for a memorial service and I stayed home. My dad came back to get me and brought our twelve year old neighbor who had been at temple and trying to fast, but he was about to pass out or something so he came over and ate a bunch of bread which he was very grateful for. He's such a cool kid, he spent like 15 minutes discussing the Godfather with my dad.

Got home and ate some potato chips while we waited for Molly's parents to come over for dinner. Best potato chips EVER.

And now I'm avoiding doing homework. So much fun.

My hands smell like coffee from work. I can't get them to stop smelling that way even though I've washed 'em a bunch of times. This is not helping the hunger situation.

Oh well. Time to stop whining. :-)

Went to temple. Prayed a little. Spent a fair amount of time staring at the light fixtures. They have some really pretty chandelier things there. Listened to my mom try to sing along with some of the songs and then tried to tell myself that I should not be embarassed by this and that my mother can sing as much as she wants, even if she doesn't know the tune at all and frequently switches octaves.

And so the fasting begins.

Except there's a cookie sitting next to the computer and it keeps distracting me. Uh oh.

I've also noticed that when you get home from temple the night before Yom Kippur you're automatically hungry. Any other day or holiday I'd probably go hours without being hungry at all, but as soon as the Rabbi tells everyone to have a good night and he'll see us tomorrow I'm STARVING.

Power of suggestion or something along those lines.

Oh yes, and I think a car hit us on the way out of the temple parking lot. I felt and heard a little bump and looked behind us and I think the car behind us had knocked into our bumper. See what I mean about Jersey drivers? It's insane.

How come when you're in a bad mood there's always only one person you want to talk to?

I'm pissed off and I can think of certain people who I KNOW would cheer me up. Of course, these people aren't around. Or if they were I'd feel bad just talking to them 'cause I was in a bad mood. Or some of these people I'm even kind of mad at for other things so I don't want to talk to them about my bad day...but I do...that was confusing, ignore that.

I just had a really bad day and instead of just being able to sit around and relax like I want to I have to go eat gross chicken that my mom made and then go to temple and fast.

No fair.

Yom Kippur starts tomorrow night.

:*-(

I hate New Jersey drivers.

Especially old, rich New Jersey drivers.

Especially the ones who think they're too cool to use a turn signal and then give me angry looks and shake their heads at me when I try to turn because I had the right of way.

This time I didn't even do anything wrong. When I first started driving I accidently cut off some old people (it was an accident! I swear!), anyway, I was down the road some and all of a sudden I hear this car zooming up next to me and it's the old people who are pretty much cutting everyone off just to mouth angry curses at me and shake their heads and point their fingers. Crazy vengeful old people.

And this time I HAD THE RIGHT OF WAY. Because THEY DIDN'T HAVE THEIR TURN SIGNAL ON. And if they had gone straight like it looked like they were going to do IT WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN A PROBLEM.

I bet they were tourists, too. Those really annoying people we get sometimes walking through town saying how cute everything is and isn't the country nice? 'Cause they think we live in the country.

Stupid crazy old tourists who drive like they're from Jersey.

Too tired for real update.

Found out I'm in the wrong math class, but Ms. Ayres said it's fine with her if I stay where I am if I just get a note from my parents. Grr, stupid schedule.

Now have free 8th on Fridays 'cause of study and a teacher who doesn't care and a guidance counseler who likes me. Yay.

Got the proofs from my headshots back. They're very weird and don't look like me.

Went to work and carried heavy things. Lotsa fun. Too tired to elaborate. Too tired to use words like "elaborate".

Shutting up now.

Looooooong day.

Woke up at around 6:30, got dressed and crawled back into bed. Woke up again at 7:15 so I could take my dad to the train at 7:30. This is all very annoying, but at least now I get a car and I get to school on time, which outweigh the annoyingness of getting up earlier than normal.

School was...school. Bio is still awesome, although now we have to do some chem stuff. Ick. Chorus was boring because all we do is sing religious songs and I have this really bad feeling that that's all we'll ever do. Almost fell asleep in psych. Health wasn't bad 'cause my class is really funny. Got The Grapes of Wrath in English. It's all torn up and taped together and the pages are falling out and you STILL have to pay $18 dollars if you lose it. What the hell?

Oh yes, I got my appeal to do extracurriculars granted. Yay!! Now I can try out for Parnassian and the musical and everything and not have to worry about it. Plus I got out of math for ten minutes to go down to Curcio's office so he could tell me, so that's good, too.

Got home, fell asleep again (stupid cold makes me tired all the time), got up, went to work, walked around with a giant box of candy and water bottles and now my neck hurts like hell. People at work just now found out that I'm Jewish. I then got the usual "But you don't look Jewish" and avoided yelling at them and saying "What? Because I don't have a big nose?" because I actually like the people at work. They told me they all thought I looked Irish. Huh? Anyway, got more annoying questions such as, "Is it true you can't say "bless you" when someone sneezes?" Where do people get these things? At least they weren't asking if I had horns. It's really sad because these are all really cool people and I hate that they actually believe stupid stereotypes and rumors like that. You wouldn't believe how many dumb questions I've gotten in my life. "Can you see Christmas movies?" Not only can I, but I love Christmas movies. When I was younger, "The Santa Clause" and "Miracle on 34th Street" were two of my favorite movies. I still like them. "Do you believe in God?" Yes, dumb question, moving on. "Do you wear the little beanie thing?" It's called a yarmulkah (yah-meh-ka) and no, because I'm reform which means I'm not that strict so I don't wear one all the time, and the women don't usually wear them anyway, or at least not all the time (which is kinda sexist by the way, and I did wear one at my Bat Mitzvah). And that's only the normal questions I've gotten....

Anyway, ending my rampage now.

Got home at 10, did homework till 11:30, and now I am here. And I'm about to go to sleep again. Yay for sleep.

It's funny how well you can remember these great tragic things. Our parents remember where they were when JFK was shot and when Martin Luther King Jr. was shot. Our grandparents remember were they were during Pearl Harbor. Someday our children will ask us where we were on September 11th and then some big tragedy will happen to them and they'll tell their children about where they were on that day. That seems to be the way life works, and it really scares me.

I not only remember September 11th, I remember nearly everying about it. I remember sitting in gym before homeroom and someone flipping on the radio and hearing some snippet about "...the crash of flight..." and then someone put on a CD so there was no more music and no more news. I asked someone if they had heard that and what were they talking about a plane crash? Everyone shrugged and went back to whatever they were doing. I forgot about it soon after that. I remember walking to homeroom and things feeling weird and panicked and I didn't know why, and teachers quickly telling us to get to homeroom as soon as possible for a special announcement. I remember thinking something had happened to a student. I remember walking down the hallway and looking in classrooms as I went, and looking into Mr. Novemsky's classroom and seeing people I'd known for years, all with the same expressions on their faces. Everyone was standing, staring up at the television with their mouths open and looks of confusion on their faces, their backpacks half off their backs. I knew something was really wrong now. I remember walking into homeroom to find people in the same state, staring up at the television. There was a picture of Washington on TV and smoke billowing up from some building I couldn't recognize. But they were talking about New York. Why were they talking about New York when the caption said Washington? Then they showed New York and all I could think was "Oh. My. God."

I think I asked what happened. I'm sure I sounded frantic. "Two planes hit the World Trade Center," someone answered. I think I might have said something like, "At the same time?"
"Eight minutes apart," was someone's distracted response.

It's amazing how naive I was. I thought it was an accident. I sat there and thought, "What a terrible accident. Two planes crashing at once. What a coincidence. What a horrible, horrible coincidence."

That was the last innocent thought I ever had.

"An accident?" I asked, "It was an accident, right?" Someone snorted at my stupidity.
"Two planes crashing into a building at the same time? No way it's an accident. They hit the Pentagon, too," they said as both the New York and Washington were shown on the screen. It's the end of the world, I thought. This is all real and it's all happening at once and we're all going to die. All I could think about was my dad. My dad was in New York and I didn't know where. My hands started shaking and I kept saying frantically, "My dad's there, my dad's in New York." I doubt anyone heard me.

Dr. Robbins came on the loudspeaker but we all ignored her. We were trying to listen to the TV. The bell rang and we left and the world felt so different than when I had walked in. I walked to history class and heard a voice saying loudly behind me, "This is it, the world is ending." They sounded like they were making a joke. I started walking faster. There were teachers shuffling from room to room hugging each other and crying. "It's World War III! Kaboom!!" the voice kept going, getting louder. I wanted to turn around and slap him. I'm embarassed to say that I thought about violence at a time like that, but I don't think I've ever wanted to slap someone so much in my whole life. I wanted to scream at him that this wasn't a joke and he wasn't helping anyone, but I didn't. I just kept going, trying to get far away.

In history we watched the third plane hit. A woman was talking while they showed the towers, she was saying, "I saw the first plane hit and I just started screaming and everyone in the office knew because I scream really loudly..." and then she started screaming and crying. I thought she was just showing the reporter what she did when the first plane hit. But now she was sobbing and asking "Why? God, why is this happening?" and then we saw the debris falling and the reporter said that the tower had been hit again and I almost felt like throwing up. A girl in class started crying hysterically while her friend tried to comfort her. The friend looked like she wanted to cry, too. I got up and said I had to go call my dad. I don't know why. I sort of knew he was okay. I didn't really think he was anywhere near the towers. I just needed to get out of there, I couldn't watch it anymore.

I came back to history later to get my things. Everyone was still sitting there, staring at the television. As I walked in the room, I turned to look, too. The first tower fell as I walked in and I didn't think it was possible to feel worse. I went through the rest of the day in sort of a daze thinking, "It's okay, everyone was out. I'm sure everyone was out before they fell, they had to get everyone out. Everyone's okay." You think really stupid things when you're in shock.

I ended up going home early. My mom was home and willing to get me and there was just no point of staying. We would just be watching the news all day and I didn't think I could handle that. We left and brought one of my friends with me. On the way to drop her off, I kept looking up at the sky. It was so blue. And everything was so quiet. I wasn't expecting that. I thought the sky would be full of dust and fighter jets and flames and that everyone would be running around outside screaming and crying and panicking, like it had been in TV. I was expecting it to be Ground Zero.

I think that's the part where I started holding my breath. Waiting for the second tower to go. Waiting for another attack. Waiting for them to find survivors. Waiting for them to find bodies. Waiting.

I went home and flipped from channel to channel, all showing the same thing. Burning. Crashing. Dying. One channel showed people jumping out of windows. I had to change to some stupid movie I hated on HBO just to get away from it. I was afraid if I heard any more I'd end up curled up in a little ball crying my eyes out and wishing it would all just go away.

The next day at school, everything seemed quieter. I couldn't help but stare at every empty desk I saw, wondering if one of my classmate's parents hadn't come home the night before.

Two days later we had our first bomb scare. I was in math class when everyone started screaming and running out of the building. I was halfway down the stairs when I slowed down and started laughing. I started laughing so abruptly that I accidently choked. It was all so completely stupid. No one was blowing up our school. Why would anyone want to do that? We didn't really matter that much. Here we were, running for our lives because some idiot was playing a prank. By the time I got outside I was still laughing, but trying to hide it as most people would think I was completely insane. Hell, I thought I was insane. Instead, people thought I was really upset and started asking me if I was alright. All I could answer was, "This is so stupid. This is just so extremely stupid."

I really wanted to do something to help. I tried organizing a supply drive at school, e-mailed Dr. Robbins, made up flyers, got people interested. By the time I could manage to even get a meeting with anyone about it, they were saying they didn't need supplies anymore. So many people had done the same thing that they had enough. I tried joining Key Club so I could do something. Didn't really work. The most I could ever really do to help anyone was donate money, which I did whenever I could. Life started going back to whatever was considered normal now. TV shows went back on the air. The trains in New York started running. Airports were open again. People got used to talk of anthrax and evacuations and war.

And now it's a year later. I can't really think of a way to end this, because I don't think it's over. We're all still holding our breaths, just waiting for something else to get blown up and the world to come crashing down again. Everything's different. Everyone's different. The New York skyline is different. I found this big poster I had from my Bat Mitzvah. The theme had been "New York" and we had taken a picture of me somewhere in Jersey where you could see the World Trade Center. On the poster I was standing and smiling and pointing at the towers. Everyone from my Bat Mitzvah signed it. I really loved that poster. After September 11th I had to hide it in my attic because everytime I saw it, I cringed.

I still cringe.

I'll post some 9/11 stuff in a little while. I wrote something yesterday, but it still feels like I need to write more and fix what I wrote. Normally I wouldn't care so much, but I've wanted to write something about it for a year and have never been able to.

What's this? I had math homework. Fuck.

It's official. I have a cold. All because of the disgusting germ pool that is our school. I ended up falling asleep watching TV in my parents room last night at around 10 and was sent to my own bed at 10:30 by my mother. I got about 9 hours of sleep and I still spent all day feeling like I could really use a nap.

My favorite classes are now Bio and English, but they both have a lot of work. I have to get 6 editorials a week from different newspapers and magazines for English, which wouldn't be such a big deal except that I have to use actual newspapers and magazines and can't just go online all the time. That would just make life too easy. And they have to be specific papers, most of which I don't get. I only have to do it for three weeks, so it shouldn't be too horrible.

Chorus rehearsal after school for the 9/11 thing tomorrow. Daisy and I were the only sopranos for awhile and we both are having throat problems. Imhoff kept telling us how we sounded like we had health problems, except he kept looking directly at me and saying how we sounded like we were struggling and in pain, which made me paranoid as usual going, "Oh, he's figured out that I actually can't sing and that I'm horrible and was only put in this class because Mr. Duncan felt bad for me and because I have seniority." I never got to ask Mr. Duncan about that, actually. I was going to ask him if I had gotten that spot because I really deserved it or if he had switched some people around or something. I wasn't planning on being all noble and saying "You switched people so I could be in here? Well if that's how things work, I'm not taking this class! It's not fair to other people!" Hell no, I really wanted to be in that class and if Mr. Duncan thought it would be a better choir if I were in there then I'd trust his judgement. I just wanted to know for my own peace of mind. I know I shouldn't think this way, but I still feel like I'm not good enough to be in there, like it was some kind of fluke.

Stupid low self esteem.

Tomorrow is September 11th. I just wrote "Tomorrow is September 11th and I'm trying not to think about it.", but then I ended up writing this really long thing about what I remember from that day. I don't feel like posting it now, but I'm saving it in case I do later. It feels a little better to write it down. But only a little.

My throat hurts and I feel like shit. Therefore I have nothing to say.

Edited: To say that not only do I feel like shit, but my mother is watching 7th Heaven in the other room and I've had to listen to it for the last hour and a half. I despise 7th Heaven.

Family came for lunch-dinner-whatever meal it is you have when you have company in the late afternoon. My grandfather came and I've been avoiding writing about it 'cause it's just depressing to watch him. He's just so dazed and tired and weak and ugh, that was never supposed to be my grandfather. He's always been my one sane grandparent. My mother's mom is losing it and has always been kinda crazy and calling us all the time for no reason and my father's mother is a workaholic and kind of eccentric (she's an actress, so that's a given) and my grandfather always seemed to be the only one who really knew what was going on. He was just happy retiring and reading books and playing tennis and being a dad and a grandfather all day. He spent years wanting to retire and now that he has, look what's happened? Now he can't even enjoy it. It's just not fair at all. They used to say that he was going to get better, it was easily treated, all this optimistic crap that doesn't seem to be worth a damn now.

Now I'm just pissed off and upset. And I was in such a good mood, too.

I guess it really was good that my little cousin wasn't there this afternoon. I wouldn't want him to see his grandfather that way. It's scary and upsetting to me and I'm 17. Imagine how it'd be to a 9 year old? Although I think my grandfather would have liked to see him. Maybe he was just having a really bad day. He's had a bad few days and maybe he's just tired and needs to rest some. Maybe the next time he sees my cousin he'll be more together. I hope he will be.

I just wish he would get better.

I have the urge to post, but I have nothing to say. Such a dilemma.

Family's coming in an hour, minus my little cousin. Not exactly heartbroken over that as he always tries to get me to play really boring computer games with him, and no matter how much I love him I just can not take playing anymore digimon games online. I should be cleaning, but I've become very skilled at getting out of most of the work for these family functions. Mostly by doing a shitty job in past years so that now my parents don't even bother asking me anymore. It's fun.

I'm lonely. But I'm not too upset about it, which is weird. I think I've just accepted the whole loneliness as the beginning of new things in my life and soon I'll meet new people and make new friends and got involved in new things and hopefully I won't be lonely anymore. The theme for this year is "new", as corny as that sounds.

Hehe, I tried to make my hair wavy last night. Bit of a disaster actually as it now looks like an animal tried to nest in my hair, but I think I've got it under control.

And what's with me not being able to spell today? Before I wrote "hartbroken" and I just tried to write "under control" as one word. Crazy Robin.

Meanwhile, I really like Coldplay's new CD. Everyone go buy it now.

Oh yes, and I think I saw the annoying girl who covered her backpack in name tags from Yellow Shirt at temple yesterday. Horror of horrors. Fortunetely, she was leaving when I was getting there and probably didn't see me or recognize me.

Happy Rosh Hashanah. Or L'Shana Tova. Whatever. I'm so Jewish.

My grandfather ended up having to go to the hospital today because he had a really bad night. He's okay, but everyone's really stressed out. My father kept yelling at me and my mother for things that couldn't possibly be our faults until I told him I was done talking to him until he calmed down. That worked and he stopped and apologized. I know he's stressed, but we all are, and that's not an excuse to start screaming at people for no reason.

My AOL broke. Stupid piece of shit. Funny how when I was in middle school I was dying to have it and now I hate it. I should just convince my parents to get rid of it, they barely use it anyway. Now I've lost all the e-mail's that I've gotten since January and every link I've had saved since then. Grr.

I'm really bored and I can't go out and do anything because it's a holiday. That makes absolutely no sense, holidays are supposed to be fun. And next week is Yom Kippur, which I'm really dreading. Who's bright idea was it to fast and then have to sit around temple all day where there's no distractions other than the actual service? No one pays attention to the service, and all you can think about is how hungry you are. I don't understand people. I was thinking of seeing if I could join the choir, only so I would have something to do besides stare at my feet for the whole service. Then I decided that would be a bad idea because there's this really scary opera singer like woman in the choir who's voice drives me insane and it's all adults anyway.

I was sitting in temple today and they were reading about Abraham almost sacrificing Isaac and I thought how strange the world is. A whole huge religion started by a guy who heard voices telling him to go on some crazy diet and kill his son. Then I felt kind of bad for thinking that way in temple. But I couldn't help it. It just sounds so insane when you think about it that way.

Now I remember what I was originally going to write about before going off on some tangent, as usual. I got my HSPA scores today. 250 English and 256 Math which made me stare at the paper and say "What the hell? How did that happen?" a lot. I never do better in math. That's my worst subject (besides chemistry, but that's mostly math, too). I'm happy with my scores, even if they don't really mean anything except that I can graduate. Now I just have to worry about taking the SAT's again. Ugh, have to remember to register for that tomorrow.

Gotta go try and fix AOL now. Great way to spend a Saturday night. :-\

Unusual things of the day:

Mrs. Hershey gave us (surprise) Hershey bars in homeroom if we handed in our forms. I will miss homeroom because Mrs. Hershey's cool and most of the people are nice, although I will not miss at least two people in my homeroom who are assholes and who tried to get me to give them my chocolate. Do not try and get between me and chocolate, it's not pretty.

Anna said she saw one of the cafeteria workers sneeze or drool or both on some of the chicken fingers. Never getting those again.

When somebody said something about "waste" in bio, Mrs. Hershey said, "Yeah, waste, shit, whatever you want to call it." I love bio. There are far side comics on the back of hand outs!

I went for math help after school. This was the first time I have ever voluntarily gone for help in a class for as long as I can remember. Probably the first time ever. And on the second day of school, no less. Very proud of myself.

There's a spider crawling around on the glass next to the computer. Blech. Now it's on the printer. Still blech.

I got switched into a study instead of my second math class (yes!) and some kid turned to me and said, "So are you a freshman?"

Some history:

When I was in 9th grade my grandmother told me about this independent movie she was in that needed a teenage girl for a small role. I tried out and got it (mostly because it was a crap movie and the other two people who tried out sucked) and filmed my role and was very proud of it and then didn't hear about it for two years.

I FINALLY got to see it tonight. Very disappointing. My whole family came to see it since both me and my grandmother were in it and I brought Alice (my best friend from NY) for moral support. Holy shit was it horrible. I wasn't really expecting it to be that great, but DAMN. I had no idea what the fuck was going on and I've read the script! Plus, excuse me for being shallow, they cut out most of my part (even though the director told me there was more of me in it then there had been originally) and without the stuff they cut out none of it made any sense.

I saw this other kid who I filmed with at the screening who's about a year older than me. I just remember having this raging crush on him for the five days I knew him because he was really nice and since we were pretty much the only teenagers on the set we kinda bonded (as much as two high school kids who've never met can bond in five days). Plus he was really really hot. That didn't hurt. Seeing him tonight was weird. We made fun of the movie and talked about how annoying it was that pretty much everything we had worked on got cut out and what we'd been doing for the past two years. He said he pretty much did the movie because his mom talked him into it and he's just been doing all sorts of non-acting jobs since then. After that we didn't have much to say to each other and I had to leave.

I saw my grandfather there. He didn't look so great. He's sick and I've never seen him look that frail before. He's holding himself together pretty well, though. It's just depressing because I remember him just last year and he had so much energy and was playing tennis everyday and going out and having fun and now it's hard for him to just walk down stairs.

So tonight was fun but disappointing at the same time. And it's weird as hell to see yourself on screen like that.

First day of school and I actually enjoyed it!

Got out of the car and immediately found Kaity which was good 'cause I really didn't like the idea of just walking into school by myself. I was a little bit scared out of my mind.

At first glance I thought that Mrs. Pollack was Dr. Robbins, or a Dr. Robbins wannabe. Thank goodness she's not. She seems very nice and friendly and encouraging, even if she hasn't yet mastered the correct way to use a microphone.

I think I'll like Chamber Choir, although I think I would have liked it more if Mr. Duncan were still here only because he adds so much energy. Dr. Imhoff seems like a very nice guy. Now that I think about it, he kind of reminds me of Mr. Campbell a little because he's quiet but can still make you listen. The seniors from Chamber Choir are singing some short Latin song for the September 11th assembly/video/whatever it is. When he asked to see the seniors it was kind of shocking because for the first time I realized that he was talking about me and not some older kids who just seem to always be there.

Math is scary. Ms. Ayres is scary. That's all I have to say about that.

Bio is awesome. My class is pretty small, Mrs. Hershey's one of the nicest people in the world and I always like having teachers that I've known for years but was never taught by before.

There are soooo many people I know in lunch, it's insane. It's fun, too, people kept coming and going from our table. The conversation kept straying back to college, unfortunetely, but hopefully that won't happen everyday. I don't want to spend the entire year completely college crazed.

I had an allergy attack in psych. That's the most interesting thing I can think to say about it.

I hope I can take self defense in gym, I've been waiting for that course option since I was a freshman. Seeing the freshman in the gym was so strange because they're all so small and I can remember exactly what it was like to be in their place. There was one girl standing in line who I could have sworn was me three years ago but better dressed. She kept playing with her bracelets and biting her nails (two of my nervous habits) and obviously trying her best to not act scared.

English was very interesting. I was put in the wrong English class. I signed up for Lit Inquiry but was put in Lit Soc Crit. I told Mrs. Petrallia this when I walked in, but she told me to stay and if I have to leave in a few days then fine. So I sat and filled out the little cards and listened to what the class was about and realized that I would LOVE this class and didn't want to be switched out. So after school I ran to Mrs. Tenenbaum and hoped she wouldn't kill me for asking her to switch me back. She said something quickly about how I really was supposed to be in that class because of my level placement or something crazy like that. I don't know what she was talking about. But if it means staying in that class, I'm happy.

Finally got home, got food, fell asleep because I only had 4 hours sleep last night, woke up and went to see Miss Saigon at Papermill with Daisy. Miss Saigon was great, although there was a big "Moulin Rouge" sign when they were supposed to be in China which I thought was cheesy as hell, but the rest was good.

And now I'm really hungry and tired and still have Bio reading to do and am too lazy to think of a proper ending to this, so goodbye.

Avril Lavigne has a song called "Sk8r Boi". Just typing that made my brain hurt.

I really should be getting ready for school tomorrow. But that would mean coming out of denial that school actually is starting tomorrow and I just don't think I'm ready for that.

Where am I gonna sit at lunch tomorrow?

:::panic:::

And then my computer exploded.

The original plan was to go to bed around 12:30.

At 12 I decided I was hungry and went downstairs and ate some Cup of Noodles (or Cup Noodle, depending on which part of packaging you listen to) and watched old sitcoms saved on Tivo.

At 1:30 I actually went to bed.

At 3 I was still awake.

Grr.

I'm still getting letters from colleges saying "I'm glad you've show interest in....". I hate those letters. I miss those letters that we got right after the PSAT's that said, "Hey, good test scores, come to our college!" They made me feel so loved.

Work wasn't bad. No heavy lifting for once. Yay. The hearing assistance system was down, which means that the little headphones we give to people who are hard of hearing didn't work. People kept coming out and complaining. This tall skinny old man in a Hawaiin shirt came up to the stand during intermission and asked for a pair of headphones. When we told him the system was down he said, "The system is down? Well, that makes me frown," pause to think of something else that rhymed, "guess I'll just have to look around," another pause, "and smile." He seemed so pleased with himself, too. I couldn't stop laughing. We need more customers like that. We should have some kind of offer where if you make up a stupid rhyme and amuse the concessions workers we'll give you a free soda. It makes work so much more interesting.

Last day of freedom tomorrow which I'll probably spend sitting around at home. Ah, summer.

My mom keeps trying to give me a bedtime. She thinks it will make me get back on a regular sleep schedule. She keeps coming up to me and saying, "Do you think you'll be able to sleep tonight? You really have to, school starts in two days and you can't stay up till 4 in the morning anymore."

This is too much stress! Now I'll never get to sleep.

Somebody make me get dressed.

Ha, that sounded dirty.

I MEANT somebody make me get showered and dressed and out of the house to fix my schedule and then come home and finish cleaning my room and then go to work and lift heavy boxes and serve coffee to old ladies and come home and go to sleep at a reasonable hour.

But that all starts with getting dressed.

So somebody make me get dressed.

Had really strange dreams last night. Something about a necklace with secret messages. And my mom finding it and we got in a fight. Or something like that. I don't really remember. I just remember waking up and feeling angry at my mom and I don't know why.

Gotta go to work tonight. So THAT'S where my impending sense of dread came from. Or is it sense of impending dread? Words confuse me.

I read this really weird one act play last night called "The Universal Language". It's about this woman who goes to learn this new language that's supposed to be the greatest language in the world that everyone can understand and learn to speak. Of course, half the play is in gibberish because there are only two characters and by the end of it they're both speaking this universal language. They translate it in the script. I think if I had just seen it instead of reading it I would have been completely confused. There was a monologue in there, before the gibberish started, that I really liked.

"Dawn: The thing is, just because I'm quiet doesn't mean I have nothing to say... I mean, a tuning fork is silent, until you touch it. But then it gives off a perfect 'A'. Tap a single tuning fork and you can start up a whole orchestra. And if you tap it anywhere in the world, it still gives off a perfect 'A'! Just this little piece of metal, and it's like there's all this beautiful sound trapped inside it... But you see... I don't think language is just music. I believe that language is the opposite of loneliness. And if everybody in the world spoke the same language, who would ever be lonely?"

I should probably go to school and fix my schedule soon. Grr. I'm not supposed to have to go there until Thursday! I've seen too much of that place for one summer. I could go there tomorrow and scare the freshmen...except that most of them would probably think I'm a freshmen, too. Bad idea.

Time to go.

It's funny how I feel stupid for writing that I'm scared.

It's also funny how I seem to go from being upset to being angry just because I don't want to feel upset anymore.

I think I'm a little crazy. I should go to bed before I end up walking around downtown in the middle of the night with an aluminum foil hat.

I just realized why I'm so scared to be a senior. It means there's one year left until everyone leaves.

Some people know this about me and some people don't. I have this fear about people leaving me. I don't know why, it's kind of crazy. When I was in 1st grade I'd get really upset every day when my parents dropped me off at school. I guess I was afraid that I'd never see them again.

When I was in middle school I made some really great friends. People I thought I'd be friends with forever. We all graduated from 8th grade together. By the time ninth grade started most of them had moved away and didn't even speak to me anymore. This time I was right. They left and I never saw them again.

And now I'm a senior. My older friends have already left and are starting their new lives and I already feel like they're gone forever, even though I know that's completely stupid. Or maybe not. I don't know.

I guess the whole point of this insane post is that I'm really really scared that everyone's going to leave and I'll never see them again. There's a part of me that says this is ridiculous, we'll keep in touch, we'll call, we'll e-mail, we'll visit. And there's this other part that's much louder than the first that simply says, "No, you won't."

Mostly, I'm just really scared that the rest of life is just people leaving you.

Randomly had some kind of fear that without knowing it I had become anorexic because I've been getting up so late that I eat breakfast at lunch time and lunch at dinner time and then forget altogether about dinner.

Time to go to sleep at a normal hour before I completely lose my mind.

School supply shopping is very hard work. School supply shopping on Labor Day is even harder work. Went to Staples with my mother and was nearly in a three shopping cart pile-up. Yes, that was a corny joke, but it was true. There was some little girl riding in a shopping cart who looked like the girl from the Harry Potter movies, except more annoying, and we almost smashed into her.

After that we went to Barnes and Noble where I got a book off the "Required School Reading" table (because I actually LIKE those books...usually), a book on Mythology (my nerdiness is really showing through today), and a "Play With Your Food" calendar that came with stickers which I put all over my new binder.

This whole post really shows just how much of a nerd I am. And don't think I'm not proud of it.

I haven't done anything all day.

There are things about the world that really confuse me.

Like why they're showing Mrs. Doubtfire on PBS.

I need school to start just so I can have some human contact of some sort. I'm going a a little bit insane.