I guess I could write ACTUAL things in here now.

I don't really know what to say. I know things I'd like to say. But I'm a bit scared to actually say them on here. Which is weird 'cause I've never been too scared to talk about my life with anyone and everyone, usually. I've been known to do it too much.

I want to say things because I really just have no one to say anything to, really. Partly because of them. Mostly because of myself, I guess. I guess I feel like I don't deserve to be able to, maybe. My mom keeps telling me to write everything down, but how does that help? I'm used to writing everything in my blog because then I can actually talk to people about it. But I can't write about this stuff in my blog. And I can't write about it just for me because it doesn't help. I already know all of that. Writing everything down won't really make anything better or help me understand things or sort things out. Though that could be one of those things I say because I haven't actually tried it.

Here's this weird thing about me. I have always been aware that life is very difficult, that with good stuff comes bad stuff, sometimes twice as bad, there will always be ups and downs, this too shall pass, blah blah blah. So even though I know that no good or no bad really lasts forever, I'm still completely terrible at dealing with the bad. You'd think being so aware that everything changes and the bad won't last forever would make dealing easier, would make it easier knowing I just had to wait things out. Maybe it does. A little. But I'm still horrible at dealing. I mean, you're not supposed to have panic attacks just 'cause of a stomach ache. And you're not supposed to not be able to do any of your assignments just because someone you love is sick. That's just silly and weak and stupid.

I have gone off on some horrible tangent. Don't you hate when my entries get melodramatic? I do. I go back and read it later and go "Robin, you stupid little drama queen". I hate melodrama. I always think it's simply used to seek attention, be it on purpose or not.

I guess. I will be slightly brave. Ranting makes me braver sometimes. It's probably why I talk so much. I miss my friends and being able to talk to them. And no matter how much I tell myself I have every right to my friends and people to talk to, there's a big part of me that just feels like I don't, that keeps me at home playing minesweeper and watching old West Wing episodes. And that same part of me, when I hear something funny or see something on TV I know someone would love to watch, it keeps me from calling them or even hitting the button to IM them. There are 26 people online right now, but 0 who I actually feel I could talk to. Really talk to. Without one of us feeling weird or one of us being judged or one of us being terrified that the other is thinking nasty things about them as they type. So instead I sit here staring at people's screen names, desperate to talk to them. And there's nothing I can really do about it. I can't even get angry about it. And, as you probably know, getting angry is something that's always been terribly easy for me. I can't get angry 'cause I'm really the only one to blame. And I'm very bad at getting angry at myself. Pitying myself, sure. But trying to get angry at myself really doesn't help me and simply gets turned into sitting around crying until my nose is all stuffy and my face feels all wet and gross. And that doesn't help much either.

Anyway. Basically. I miss people. And not in the "Oh, you live far away, I miss you" way. I hope you understand in what way I really mean. And there's really absolutely nothing I can do but wait it out and pray that I won't have to miss everyone forever. And that's all.

Now do I post this? Do I not? It's 11:45 PM at the moment. You can check the published at time to see how long it took me to build up the courage to actually hit "Post". And if it's really close to 11:45 it's simply because I used to band-aid removal method - the faster you do it, the easier it is.

I hope this doesn't make everything worse.