I guess I could write ACTUAL things in here now.

I don't really know what to say. I know things I'd like to say. But I'm a bit scared to actually say them on here. Which is weird 'cause I've never been too scared to talk about my life with anyone and everyone, usually. I've been known to do it too much.

I want to say things because I really just have no one to say anything to, really. Partly because of them. Mostly because of myself, I guess. I guess I feel like I don't deserve to be able to, maybe. My mom keeps telling me to write everything down, but how does that help? I'm used to writing everything in my blog because then I can actually talk to people about it. But I can't write about this stuff in my blog. And I can't write about it just for me because it doesn't help. I already know all of that. Writing everything down won't really make anything better or help me understand things or sort things out. Though that could be one of those things I say because I haven't actually tried it.

Here's this weird thing about me. I have always been aware that life is very difficult, that with good stuff comes bad stuff, sometimes twice as bad, there will always be ups and downs, this too shall pass, blah blah blah. So even though I know that no good or no bad really lasts forever, I'm still completely terrible at dealing with the bad. You'd think being so aware that everything changes and the bad won't last forever would make dealing easier, would make it easier knowing I just had to wait things out. Maybe it does. A little. But I'm still horrible at dealing. I mean, you're not supposed to have panic attacks just 'cause of a stomach ache. And you're not supposed to not be able to do any of your assignments just because someone you love is sick. That's just silly and weak and stupid.

I have gone off on some horrible tangent. Don't you hate when my entries get melodramatic? I do. I go back and read it later and go "Robin, you stupid little drama queen". I hate melodrama. I always think it's simply used to seek attention, be it on purpose or not.

I guess. I will be slightly brave. Ranting makes me braver sometimes. It's probably why I talk so much. I miss my friends and being able to talk to them. And no matter how much I tell myself I have every right to my friends and people to talk to, there's a big part of me that just feels like I don't, that keeps me at home playing minesweeper and watching old West Wing episodes. And that same part of me, when I hear something funny or see something on TV I know someone would love to watch, it keeps me from calling them or even hitting the button to IM them. There are 26 people online right now, but 0 who I actually feel I could talk to. Really talk to. Without one of us feeling weird or one of us being judged or one of us being terrified that the other is thinking nasty things about them as they type. So instead I sit here staring at people's screen names, desperate to talk to them. And there's nothing I can really do about it. I can't even get angry about it. And, as you probably know, getting angry is something that's always been terribly easy for me. I can't get angry 'cause I'm really the only one to blame. And I'm very bad at getting angry at myself. Pitying myself, sure. But trying to get angry at myself really doesn't help me and simply gets turned into sitting around crying until my nose is all stuffy and my face feels all wet and gross. And that doesn't help much either.

Anyway. Basically. I miss people. And not in the "Oh, you live far away, I miss you" way. I hope you understand in what way I really mean. And there's really absolutely nothing I can do but wait it out and pray that I won't have to miss everyone forever. And that's all.

Now do I post this? Do I not? It's 11:45 PM at the moment. You can check the published at time to see how long it took me to build up the courage to actually hit "Post". And if it's really close to 11:45 it's simply because I used to band-aid removal method - the faster you do it, the easier it is.

I hope this doesn't make everything worse.

Priceless

Yay! I have a job! I have a job! I'm going to be doing filing stuff in a doctor's office. Not the most thrilling thing in the world, but it doesn't sound too bad. It keeps me busy and gives me money! Hooray! And I won't spend all my time working this summer! Also good! Although I do have to wear a sort of uniform. White pants and sneakers which is...blech...and no shirts with logos, which will be a bit of a challenge for me 'cause...hey, I'm silly tee shirt girl. Ah well.

I'm hungry. No clue what to eat though. Hmm...I think there is soup calling my name....off I go...

P.S. My suprevisor lady at this new job is my old boss from Papermill AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. But she's soooooo much better compared to my last boss. Plus she loves me. So I didn't even need to give references to get the job. Tee hee hee. Yes. Soup time.

Why does the place to post look so WEIRD?!?! It's pissing me off!! I don't like it! Anyway...

1: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, find line 4. Write down what it says: appreciate the 65,300 pieces of art in this building, most tourists chose
2: Stretch your left arm out as far as you can. What do you touch first?: My lamp.
3: What is the last thing you watched on TV?: Aqua Teen Hunger Force. Which is only amusing in really small quantities. Two episodes in a row bores me.
4: WITHOUT LOOKING, guess what time it is: 12:50
5: Now look at the clock, what is the actual time? 12:23...oops...calculated wrongly...
6: With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?: The TV.
7: When did you last step outside?: When I got home from picking my dad up from the train.
8: Before you came to this website, what did you look at?: Linda's blog.
9: What are you wearing?: Brown cords and a black sweater. It's laundry day.
10: Did you dream last night?: Yes, something about gross icky bugs. Ew. I have weird bad dreams lately.
11: When did you last laugh?: Probably at the TV. Or maybe at someone online? I dunno. Whatever.
12: What is on the walls of the room you are in?: A painting of a girl asleep at her desk, a poster of In the Night Kitchen, a bulletin board full of old crap I don't really pay attention to, a clock that doesn't work, a light with some fuzzy dice hanging from it, a white board that's not really white on the back of my door and a cut out of weird animal crossing signs from some magazine.
13: Seen anything weird lately?: Lots of roadkill. Poor animals. I dunno. My dad's pretty weird. He has this thing against me spitting my gum out the car window or even on to the way back of the lawn behind all the plants where no one ever really goes. Weirdo.
14: What is the last film you saw?: Ella Enchanted was the shit.
15: If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy first?: Clothes. And then lots of stuff for the fam and my friends and give lots to charity and stuff. Blah blah blah. But I'd buy clothes first. Tee hee hee. Clothes are fun. Tee hee hee.
17: Tell me something about you that I don't know: I still sleep with the blanket my Aunt made for me when I was born and it's actually in really good condition. It's white with animals all over it and my initials and birthdate in the corner.
19: Do you like to dance?: Sure. Doesn't mean I'm any good at it, though.
20: George Bush: Ya can't spell Bullshit without Bush.

I feel like updating. But not about the recent stuff that everyone already knows about 'cause it's most likely none of your business and it's my blog and therefore I get to pick what to talk about so sucks for you, biatches who are only reading my blog for some good gossip. And I know you're out there. You're wasting your time. So shoo! Shoo! ::grabs bug spray and a baseball bat::

It's so pretty out lately, I totally want to just go sit in a comfy chair in the sun and read and listen to music. But I'm far too lazy to ACTUALLY do that.

Linda and Mari and I saw Ella Enchanted the other day. I absolutely loved it. And want an Ella Enchanted buddy icon. So someone make me one. It's really funny 'cause Molly knows Anne Hathaway and I can just imagine getting an icon like that and then Molly seeing it and it being weird. But anyway. The movie rocked.

And Happy late Birthday to Mari! My lesbian lover. I love you, deary. We were in Panera on Saturday after the movie and this guy kept waving at us and I decided that should he come over that I would grab Mari's hand, wink, and go "Sorry...not interested". Teeheehee. There was also a very Friends-esque conversation about what girl you'd make out with if you were drunk. And no one picked me. Bastards. Why doesn't anyone liiikkeee meeeeee? ::cries::

I'm hungry. I don't think I've had a decent meal since....awhile ago. Oops. Must find chips now. Bye bye.

Do I take a break from my blog or not? I don't know what to say.

Revelations of the day:

Miles and I share the same taste in music. Also, Miles greatly misjudged my taste in music for quite awhile. Silly.

If you're going to have a fish-man in a movie, don't get a mime to play him. He will end up being such a tool.

There is no such thing as smudge proof mascara.

It's okay to wear two jackets on top of each other. One for fashion purposes and one for "it's fucking cold out" purposes. Even if it's not REALLY fucking cold and just a tad bit chilly.

Amy Patierno has fucking awesome shoes and I want some like that right. NOW.

Wow, I've totally heard Bone Machine (Pixies song) somewhere before and I don't know where...probably on some tv show...not bad.

And I have some kind of bug bite on my face. Yick.

Ladies and Gentleman...my new desktop:



Thank you to the lovely Jen at UVA for showin' me this...so very cute!....Both Jen and Fluffy, of course. :-P