Loooong day. And I went the whole day on only four hours of sleep. Just like a school day! Ha.

So this morning I went to help Matt sell coffee and donuts and hot chocolate and bagels and stuff at a garage sale at his temple. Or synagogue, which sounds more Jewish. Whatever. That was kinda fun, except for this obnoxious girl who Matt almost killed 'cause she would NOT leave us alone. Rob (I know his last name, I just can't spell it, whatever, I'm in pit with him) got her to eat at least 6 sugar packets and I really don't know why. I got a sweatshirt there and I saw Megan which was fun 'cause we always say we should go to vintage stores together. Anyway, the sweatshirt is cool. Except it says "Gov. Livingston Wrestling" on the back and "Mike" on the front. Hehe. But I liked it anyway and got it for a dollar. I feel kinda weird wearing other people's clothes, though, so we'll see. Maybe I'll just give it to Megan, she liked it, too.

After that I was dropped off at home and then it was off to the grandparents house. I seem to spend more time there than I spend in my own house. Here is the full story which I have made vague references to but not fully explained:

Grandpa has cancer. He's expected to die...well, probably this week. Who knows, maybe tonight. We'll see.

They have a hospital bed set up in my grandparents room. My grandfather sleeps most of the time and when he is awake he is barely concious. He can't speak, it's a struggle to even breathe, every breath is a big wheezing gasp, he can only open one eye and that's only half way so it's hard to tell if he's even awake. He can maybe make a few sounds. Maybe. All he can do now is hear and feel. So we all hold his hand or pat his head and tell him we love him. It's all we can do now.

I was in there today. I was sitting there with my grandmother and the home health aid. Just sitting there, holding my grandfather's arm, just watching him. And he stopped breathing. He gasped one of his big wheezing normal gasps and then he just stopped. No sounds. His eye was still halfway open. His chest stopped moving. Everyone in the room just looked at each other for a minute. This isn't the first time it's happened. Only the first time I was there when it did. We all leaned in a little. My grandmother nudged him on the shoulder, doing a reasonable job at not panicing. I wanted to run away. Or cry. Or both. I kept switching back between thoughts that he'd start breathing again or that he wouldn't and oh god I was in the room when my grandfather died oh god oh god oh god.

But then he started breathing again. And I kissed his head and told him I loved him and left the room 'cause I was so scared it would happen again and I just couldn't be there for it. I just couldn't.

My cousin was there for a little while at the same time I was. He's nine. He doesn't get that Grandpa's dying. My mom said that my aunt has explained to him that Grandpa won't get better and won't get out of bed, but he doesn't seem to realize or accept the fact that he's dying. Which I understand. It just makes me sad. And worried because when my Grandpa does die, I don't know what will happen with my cousin. My cousin said to me how he wished that Grandpa could get out of bed and give us big hugs. I told him I wished that he could, too. I told him that I knew if Grandpa could, he would. My cousin got kind of quiet and went back to his computer game.

My dad decided to stay over there tonight. Maybe more than tonight. My uncle is staying there, too, maybe even my aunt, I'm not sure. My parents told me that if I had anything I wanted to say to my grandfather, I should say it now because I might not have another chance. I got kind of angry at them. I wish they'd stop saying that. I don't know what to say. I've told him I love him. I've told him what a great grandfather he is. I don't have much else to say to him. Those are the two things I really need him to know. And he does. And I wish people would stop expecting me to have some kind of breakdown or be all dramatic or whatever they're expecting. I know what's going to happen. Sort of. I know in my head. But it's one thing to know something and another thing completely to actually believe and accept it. I dunno if I make sense. But whatever.

So I said goodbye to my grandfather. Maybe for the last time. I kissed his head. I brushed what little hair he has left back over his head like I used to do when I was little. I used to take his hair and try and cover his bald spot with it. The bald spot is much bigger now, so it's completely uncoverable, but I did it anyway, out of habit. And I kissed him on the head. And I told him I loved him. And I told him he's a great Grandpa. And I said goodbye. And I left.

Last week he could still talk and stuff. He was almost completely delusional, though. Making strange gestures, talking to people who weren't there, giving instructions that didn't make sense. He seemed to be reliving different parts of his life. Like at one point he looked like he was writing on a chalk board and kept saying numbers. He used to be a calculus professor. Kind of funny, since I suck at math, but whatever. And at one point he seemed like he was giving instructions about cleaning out a basement. My grandmother could snap him out of it for a minute or two, usually. When I went to see him that day, she said to him, "Bernie, Bernie, when you have a minute, could you come back to us and tell Robin you love her?"

And he looked right at me and he said, "I can always do that."

And that was the last thing my grandfather will ever say to me.

Anyway. He's dying. That's all I really meant to say.
Didn't mean to get all melodramatic or anything.......


So I got home and waited for Matt and Jon to get from Brooklyn to Jersey and then went to Matt's and watched part of The Usual Suspects with Matt and Jon and Matt's parents and even Matt's little sister for a little bit (though she was covering her eyes and humming a lot), and then my mom called and told me she was coming to pick me up early 'cause of the snow and I REALLY did not want to leave. 'Cause it was nice there and comfortable and everyone was having fun and no one was dying except for random people in the movie and that was only make believe.

I'm sorry. No one wants to read this. You don't have to. I just felt like writing it. And just putting it out there.

Good night.