The show was tonight. I don't really want to talk about it, but I will because for some reason I feel the need to explain myself.

I had a full blown out of control panic attack backstage from pre-show on. It was horrible. It was the worst physical feeling I've ever felt in my life. The feeling that I was going to throw up every five seconds and there was no way I could possibly be comfortable. I was constantly moving around and feeling like crying or screaming or something and I just couldn't find a single way to be comfortable. I seriously looked like a moron running around and crying and just being weird in general.

But the worst part is that it was completely humiliating. I knew what was happening and I knew my reactions were extreme and making me look stupid and I couldn't stop them. My mother had to come backstage, I was that crazy. I felt like such an idiot. I still feel really dumb. I made such a scene, I didn't want to. If I was going to be miserable, I wanted to be miserable by myself so no one would see me. But the whole not being able to be comfortable caused me to be pacing around like a crazy person and it was just...ugh. It was horrible.

I love the cast though. They totally supported me. If it had been anyone but them, I would have just left and not been able to deal. I'm so grateful to them, I can't even express it. I know I was being crazy and worrying people and making people more nervous about the show, but I would not have been able to do anything without them showing that they cared.

I did manage to get through the show. When I got on stage for some reason I started to feel a little better. I'd still feel sick, but less so. I could get my lines out and stuff, and apparently no one but my mother noticed that I was sick. My mom knew because I called her and because she said she can tell when I'm sick because I make some face or something. I don't know. I'm just glad that people didn't notice (until I told them, that is. I do that. I figure they'll probably find out eventually, better if I just say it straightforward).

I'm scared it'll happen again. But...whatever. I'm sick of thinking about it.

The show went well despite my backstage dramatics, and I'm glad. I'm so proud of everyone.

Philippe got me flowers! That made me happy. Laura from crew (who is very very nice and tried to comfort me despite me not knowing her name and us never talking before) is came up to me and gave me the flowers and said who they were from and I went "Where is he?! I wanna see him!" and was nearly crying because I was so grateful and I knew it might be a little comforting to see him, but they had kicked him out and wouldn't let me go outside. He wrote a very nice note on it and I'm so glad I have a friend like him.

My parents got me a little doll and my mom wrote on her tee shirt (the doll's, not my mom's, that would have just been tacky) "We <3 your attitude" to match my shirt that says "I <3 my attitude problem".

Went to the diner after the show despite still not feeling great. That was fun, talked to Philippe and Linda and Matt a lot. Also got really gross tea that I though might make me feel a little better, but didn't really. And now I'm tired.

Good night.