Honest

There is so much time in my life that I want to be wonder woman. Everyone knows about my silly Buffy obsession. Well it's simply because I wish I could be like that. Not so much the whole chosen to save the world part, but the other stuff. I wish I could be strong and confident and cool and womanly and open and smart.

And then there's days where I simply wobble around completely out of control, it seems, and I can't really control what comes out of my mouth, and my whole body aches, and I don't feel smart or strong or cool at all. It kinda sucks. It's like I'm back in 9th grade. Does anyone remember me back then? Did anyone KNOW me back then?

I was little and awkward and always scared. It seemed like half the time I tried to speak my mind or talk to someone who intimidated me or who I admired, my brain would swallow itself and the most ridiculous nonsense would come tumbling out of my mouth. And so most of the time I just didn't really talk at all.

But now I talk way too much, like, all the time. So when I suddenly revert to 9th grade Robin, it's this horrible blobby mess. It's like there's no middle ground. Either I have to say everything that's on my mind or say nothing at all. And nowadays it's always everything. And it's always to the wrong people. The people I'm scared of. The people I admire. Because they're the people that matter, sort of. If I come all out to people I'm scared of, maybe they'll seem a little less scary. That doesn't make much sense, now does it? If I'm forward and upfront and say everything I think right away, it means that later I can't mess up and stumble my words and not make sense and be an idiot so it's not as easy for them to squish me. Which obviously, is what I need to be worried about. People squishing me. And people I admire, I open myself up to because I want to be accepted by them, and I want them to tell me I'm cool and okay and not a total spaz no matter how much of a squishy mess I'm acting like. If someone I look up to says it's okay, then well...I guess it's okay.

Eventually I grow up and stop acting like a 14 year old. Because I am not 14, I am 19, and I am smart, and I am strong, and I am womanly and confident and open. Usually. Sometimes. And I have lapses of insanity. But hey. At least I'm honest about it. Right?